I am not genuinely funny

I am not genuinely funny - I am only fake funny (its a spray-on).
I am not really 38 and I don't really own a helicopter (more about which later).
I am not disgustingly rich, I am just disgusting.
However my special skills include being able to talk to the animals (and they can talk to me).
I'm looking for a woman who is that rare magical combination of beautiful and dirty.